


Need

by preciousbunnynoiz



Series: Emotions!!! on Ice [32]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Bad Days, Communication, Depressed Victor Nikiforov, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Supportive Katsuki Yuuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 09:56:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13878480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preciousbunnynoiz/pseuds/preciousbunnynoiz
Summary: Victor thinks Yuuri doesn't need him as much as he needs YuuriOf course he's wrong.





	Need

It wasn’t that Victor didn’t want Yuuri to make friends in Russia. 

He very much wanted Yuuri to make friends and be as happy as Russia as he’d been in Hastesu. 

He  _ wanted _ Yuuri to get along with Yakov and his rinkmates.

But he found Yuuri and Yakov talking by the rink and when he joined them Yuuri told him with a smile that Yakov had agreed to help Victor coach him.

Victor felt something unpleasant swirl in his gut at that but he smiled and nodded. Yuuri gave him a suspicious look but let otherwise didn’t acknowledge the sick feeling hiding under the smile.

It only got worse when he watched Yuuri interact with the others. Going out with Georgi and Mila (and coming home with makeup) or hanging out with Yurio without Victor.

It’s not like they needed to be together twenty-four seven. He didn’t want to force Yuuri to stay next to him all the time...he just... _ needed _ Yuuri more than Yuuri was apparently willing to give.

And that was fine! 

It was fine…

It wasn’t fine.

Victor woke up with his alarm but didn’t move. 

He could tell it was going to be a bad day the likes he hadn’t seen since before Yuuri. He felt ashamed that Yuuri might see him like this but also really wanted Yuuri to see him and comfort him.

He felt Yuuri get up and lean over to kiss his cheek.

“I’m just going to go shower” 

Victor turned at that, his forehead wrinkling.

“But you don’t have practice until this afternoon?” and Yuuri hated getting up early. This made no sense.

“I promised Yurio I’d hang out with him this morning while you were at practice. Don’t you remember?” Yuuri dug around in the dresser for a shirt, his tone light and oblivious to the sharpness of his words.

“Sorry” Victor wanted to beg him to stay, to not leave him but the shame overcame him so he said nothing.

“It’s okay! I’ll head out first because we’re going for breakfast but I’ll see you at lunch okay? You sleep for a little longer, you don’t have to be at the rink for a little while yet” and that hurt, that he didn’t even get breakfast with Yuuri.

“Okay” He watched as Yuuri got ready and left and just rolled over and pulled the duvet to his chin.

He felt too numb to even cry.

 

Yuuri tapped his pen against his notepad.

“Well that one was pretty good but we have three more on the list. What do you think?” he turned to Yurio who huffed in annoyance.

“It was alright but if I still think the second one was best” 

“Yurio you only think that bec-” Yuuri cut off as his phone started to ring. He dug it out of his bag and frowned when he saw it was Yakov and answered quickly.

“Coach Yakov is everything okay? Is Vitya alright?” images of Victor lying on the ice broken and hurt filled his mind with a sense of dread.

“Vitya never came to practice. When he finally answered his phone he only said he wasn’t coming and that he was sorry. I asked if you were with him and he said no and sounded like he was going to cry. You need to get home” Yuuri felt as if ice was flowing from his heart through his veins as he succumbed to terror at Yakov’s words. 

“Of course! I’ll get home right away!” Yuuri hung up and turned to Yurio his eyes wide.

“Something’s wrong at home! I’ve got to go” and with that he turned around and sprinted off not even hearing Yurio’s shout to explain.

Thankfully he wasn’t far from their apartment and as he ran his mind kept replaying different horror scenarios. He cursed himself for leaving at all. He had known Victor was being weird this morning but had left anyway.

He slammed the door open kicking off his shoes frantically.

“Vitya!?” he called but that only brought out Makkachin from the bedroom, whining and doing a small dog dance of distress as she looked between Yuuri and the bedroom.

Yuuri dropped his coat on his shoes and ran to the bedroom to find Victor where he’d left him that morning, wrapped in blankets and staring at the wall.

“Oh Vitya…” he immediately crossed the room and knelt by Victor’s side of the bed. 

Victor’s breath hitched when he realised Yuuri was home and his eyes filled with tears as Yuuri brushed his hair from his face.

“Vitya what’s wrong?” Yuuri crooned softly.

Victor closed his eyes and took a deep, shaky breath.

“You don’t need me anymore” Victor admitted in a small voice, curling in tighter to himself.

Yuuri froze.

“What?”

“Yakov is a better coach then me, you don’t need me and my stupid ideas messing you up. Yurio’s a better rival. He’s younger and stronger and more ambitious. Mila and Georgi and Yurio are more fun than me and I know I’m just dragging you down and I’m sorry and I’m selfish and boring but I need you more than you need me and that’s not fair on you and I-” a finger on his lips stopped him in his tracks.

“Hush” Yuuri breathed the word out with such love that it quieted part of Victor’s mind, “Is it okay to get on the bed?”

When Victor nodded Yuuri stood up and crossed to climb into the bed, his back against the headboard. Victor rolled over onto his side facing Yuuri and looked up at him but otherwise didn’t move. 

Yuuri dropped a hand gently in Victor’s hair and started stroking it gently.

“Let’s pretend any of what you said was real” Yuuri began slowly, “It’s not but we’ll get to that in a minute. For now let’s pretend you’re right. Let’s pretend Yakov is a better coach and Yurio a better rival and Georgi and Mila and Yurio are better at fun. Even if all of that was true,” Yuuri pushed Victor’s hair out of his face and made eye contact, “Even if it was true I would still need you. I need my Vitya who is silly and affectionate and smart and funny and kind and generous and petty and really a huge dork. Who loves his poodle and his fiance so much in every way...my Vitya. I would wither and die without him.” Yuuri smiled so gently but genuinely that Victor had to close his eyes. 

“Even if he can’t even drag his sorry ass to practice because he’s too sad?” Victor shifted a little closer to Yuuri who scratched gently behind his right ear. 

“Well since my Vitya still loves me even when I’m having a panic attack I think I can love him when he’s sad.” the smile on Yuuri’s face faded as he talked and he looked down at Victor curled up against him, once again looking up at him, “In fact I would give him three times as much love to let him know he’s not carrying this burden alone and I want you to know I am deadly serious” 

Victor made a needy little noise in the back of his throat. 

“Now let’s address how all that you said was bullshit” Yuuri began with a sharp smile gracing his lips, “First off: Yakov is not a better coach than you. He’s a good coach and he and I get along alright but he’s not a patch on you. You are a much better coach for me. We only agreed that he would help because we both love you and don’t want you to completely burn out.”

“I would have been okay!” Victor protested before resting his head in Yuuri’s lap.

“The people who love you can’t risk it. We love you too much to watch you burn yourself out. You need rest too love. But my sessions with you are so much better than with Yakov. You are an excellent coach. Inexperienced but excellent” 

That settled something in Victor’s chest and he let out a huge sigh of relief.

“Second! Yurio is a good rival but you are better. You’re the most decorated male figure skater of all time  _ and _ you’re my idol and target since I was twelve. I have always wanted to knock you off the top podium and I am excited about going head to head with you at World’s.” Yuri continued.

“But I’m not at the top of my game anymore. I got silver at Nationals.” Victor protested remembering at the time it had just been fun but now it stung.

“Silver after half the competitive season away and with only two weeks to prepare! You’re still my greatest rival. Now as for the last one. You are not less fun than our friends. I _ adore _ spending time with you. Playing games, reading, discussing things, making meals together or just sitting in silence. It’s always good with you around. I have the  _ most _ fun when I’m with you” Yuuri explained.

“Then why have you been hanging out with Yurio so much lately? To the point you’re having breakfast with him instead of me?” Victor felt he sounded whiny and pathetic but Yuuri just chuckled.

“Four reasons: 1. He’s like a little brother to you, 2. He’s like a little brother to _ me _ , 3. He’s very lonely and doesn’t want to admit it and 4. I can’t very well take you with me to help narrow down the options for our surprise date.” That got Victor to sit up, looking at Yuuri with wide blue eyes.

“Surprise date?!” 

Yuuri blushed and looked away, his pointer fingers tapping against each other.

“I wanted to take you out someplace nice for a date. Usually it’s you taking me out and surprising me and I wanted to do the same. But I’m not super good at reading or understanding Russian so Yurio mostly but also Mila and Georgi have been helping me narrow down options.” 

Victor melted but the shame also took hold again. He was so ungrateful. He sank back into the bed and pulled the covers overs his head.

“Vitya?”

“I don’t deserve you” was his muffled reply.

Yuuri climbed under the cover, lay down, and pulled it up over his head as well so he could see Victor.

“Vitya you deserve happiness and love. But know I’m not in this because I need something  _ from _ you. What I need  _ is _ you. I need your smile and your touch and to wake up next to you. And I love you even on your bad days just like I know you love me and accept my anxiety.”

“But I’m selfish” Victor smiled sadly, tears threatening to spill. 

“And it’s okay to be a bit selfish. So please tell me, what do you need right now?” Yuuri reached out a hand to gently stroke Victor’s cheek.

“I need you to hold me” Victor whispered it like it was a shameful secret.

“Gladly” he gathered Victor in his arms and kissed his forehead. 

“I’m sorry” Victor whispered in the darkness. 

“Don’t be” 

They stayed like that until hunger drove them out. When Victor had eaten and the cuddles and attention from Yuuri had driven most of the malaise away they talked.

They talked about Victor’s depression and what to do if he felt like this again. Both promised to work on communication as well as Victor promising to explore therapy.

The next day when they were back at the rink and he saw Yakov giving Yuuri pointers he was relieved to find that the unpleasant feeling in his gut was gone. 

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. 

It’s likely he would have another bad day and think Yuuri didn’t need him as much as he needed Yuuri but it would be okay. Because he wasn’t alone.

He had someone to stand close to him. 

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired by the fact that in episode 11 and in a few other places, collaborations with other things, Victor has said things like "I thought (Yuuri) needed me more than that" 
> 
> It seemed like something someone (like me) struggling with depression would think. 
> 
> So I wanted them to talk it out. 
> 
> Also I've not been writing as much thinks to mental health wobbles and also just my Rheumatoid Arthritis just kicking my ass. When I've been awake I've felt like I've been built out of pain.
> 
> I've started a month's course of a steroid to hopefully help my pain in the short term and I've got an appointment mid April with the rheumatologist to discuss the medications they are going to put me on to hopefully address it in the long term.
> 
> So that's all made it hard to write lately. I'm hoping once the steroid really kicks in I'll start to feel better. Here's hoping anyway.


End file.
